How to become famous in two weeks or less

When I saw the ad for a class on how to hustle two-week fame, I couldn’t wait to slam down forty bucks. I mean, look at poor, stupid Vincent Van Gogh. What a chump. Worked his whole damn life painting his ‘vision’ — to what end? Poverty? Madness? No one gave a rat’s ass in his lifetime. He even cut off his ear privately. Cameras weren’t around then, but he could have whacked it in the town square or something for a little P.R.

And Mother Teresa, another head case. By the time she got famous, she looked like hell squared. A sea of Botox couldn’t help that mug. Was she invited to Cannes? To Diddy’s yacht? Did Dolce & Gabanna even know she was alive?

“The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault,” said major bore-cum-dickhead Henry Kissinger.